Three Spikes

One through my stomach, one through my heart, and one through my pelvis.

This is suffocating here at home. I'm under 24 hour observation. Had to actually demand a breath of air and aloneness just now. That didn't go down well.

She can't take off her hate-mask. I can't take off my insouciance mask. It's getting very tense. It's not explosive like yesterday, but far more tense.

When I go into the garden I sit on the bench and try to clear my mind and recall loveliness. I know part of what is hurting me is missing you. But far worse is this ghastly stasis we're in at the moment. 'Amicable' doesn't seem to be in the vocabulary.

I wish I had the peace and was let alone even for five minutes to remember you.

Hell. I'm not going to allow her to make me ill.

I hope she was polite in her email. I expect she did a good job of being kind and normal. But one never knows. Verbally today she hates everything about you, including at least two things she used to love: 'pink' and 'lavender'. Oh yes, and 'brazen hussy' doesn't even begin to describe it, as far as she's concerned.

Pauses to smile at a gentle memory of something that would deserve burning at the stake.

Anyway enough of me. How are you? Don't let any of my crap colour happiness you might feel. It's a good feeling for me to know you're feeling good in full Nina-Stereo.

And I do too, when the bombardment stops. Maybe that is the reason for insomnia?

Oh give me a slap. I've just had a fucking shit day that's all. We 'had' to go to the Pitt-Rivers in Oxford. Followed two very long and tense car journeys interspersed with tense park-and-ride and wander around a museum, yet-a-fucking-gain. The boys enjoyed it, but I'd have preferred to have taken them around by myself.

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Right I've drawn a line under the hell. Just tell me if you'd rather not know any of this stuff.

We have to go to Exeter on Thurs for 3 nights, maybe only 2 if it all goes explosive. Not looking forward to the prospect. Any assistance will involve co-opting my mother as help. But still, have good friends there too. Don't want to ruin the birthday party though.

Now listening to goldberg var 25 - gould again... tried finding Richter, but no joy.

What would I give to have you in my arms right now?

I'm wishing for unoppressed dreams.

Love, David. X