That First Embrace

And my heart was horrified at its delight. I cast that feeling aside, in a state of shock, thinking it was an anomaly, an expression of pleasure to see, smell, hear and feel. I told myself it could happen randomly, to any chance conjunction of bodies and eyes and smiles and words, and that I should pay it no heed. Then later, it gripped me again yet more viciously with its wonderful insistence.

I'm not naive. I'm not a romantic fool. I can dissect where lust and love start and stop. I never think the answer lies elsewhere, but within. But that embrace shook me, and those two days that followed have shown me happiness, and the days that are following have at least that light to lead me by.

I am taking myself apart and remaking myself stronger. This crisis at home I shall go through with an unclouded mind, and alone. And whatever happens, I shall always be grateful for that gift you have given me: a simplicity of action.

X

p.s. I don't know why I'm spouting semi-biblical-rubbish either. You were appallingly lovely from the first moment I held you. That first night when you held me in the summerhouse I wanted to pull back, because it was too good. I wanted to kiss you then, but wouldn't let myself. By the next night your lips were impossible to resist, and I can still feel their intelligence. I cannot/should not/must not let any of that desire from the last few days influence me. It would demean that attraction between us if I used it as an excuse. That's what I mean about a clear and clean mind. I need to swim through whatever is coming as if I was truly alone.

p.p.s. It has almost gone, but if I breathe in the scent of my lapels, I can still smell you, and god help me, that is a comfort.

p.p.p.s. I can gabble too, see? D XX

p.p.p.p.s. A final afterword: your letter is beautifully written, but I can't help feeling that I sound rather earnest and highfalutin on here, almost staid and stuffy and victorian, perish the thought, as if... What happened to the snap crackle and pop? (& I always take salt and pepper on my rice-krispies.) Dx