The unsent letter

Dear David,

By the time you read this, I will be gone. It is midnight, April 5 2010.

Something is about to change. I’m not sure of what since I’m not certain of what was, what is and what could ever be. I’m only sure of that which could never be. The change will already have happened now that you read. May it be gentle and may it be good. May it be for the good of all. The road that still seems limitless will fork three-pronged; this way or that way. The options are limited. A cross-road, a crisis; the crux of a sweet path, a wrong turn, a dead-end.

(No matter where I end up, I can always find my way home).

Perhaps things will cease in the old-vein; the spiral of textual-foreplay – going nowhere, chasing its own beautiful kinked tail. Might we return to the disembodied, safely-safe game of profound yet light hearted teasing and longing? Or will the coincidence of hearts and minds have shifted now that we meet, solidly, where every imagined gesture once unknown or guessed is fleshed? Will flesh come between us? Or has it? (I’m caught in the tension between these two tenses).

I was in both minds; the honest, moral one that needs to face the reality of your life and the other that still wants to hold-on to the invisible, the limitless unbounded space we had to ourselves these last few months. I go boldly towards the former.

It feels right and proper that we should meet at this time of year; the thrusting spring. It will be a pleasure to feel that same sappy force together.

Perhaps by now we will have happily un-fancied one another. Perhaps not. If there are to be tears, may they be of mirth.

I don’t want to shut the doors to our secret safe place but if that is how it must be, can we close them gently and tip-toe softly away?

All these ifs and buts and maybes…

Whatever their outcomes, I feel sure I will still love you none the less.

I look-forward to meeting you in the mundane.

(Sealed with blood, wax and a kiss)

Kate.X