You are very sweet. I’ve said that already.
Today I don’t deserve your words, your enthusiasm nor your love in any of its gentle or violent forms; words meant to arouse and caress wasted on my blunted mind and senses. Yet saved for another day
My body - the lithe, desirous body that intertwined with yours - is but a dead weight and a dull ache and my mind has recoiled and curled in upon itself. I’ve been coaxing then beating it with Virginia Woolf but every time I shut the page, it retreats again and clenches.
For some reason, my head was so wracked with senseless agony last night, I found myself retching painfully over the toilet bowl - something I don’t do lightly. Quite literally, I can’t stomach the bile.
Been here before. Can’t get away from it. Can only sit it out and wait for a brighter hour or a better day. Head banging only makes bruises.
The man from the services called at 10 to apologise for the late cancellation of my visit from the social worker who has been recently bereaved. I’m sorry someone had to die for this relief but knowing I wasn’t to have a concerned and ‘helpful’ stranger intrude today made me the closest to glad I’ve come in the last 2 days.
I’m fighting the urge to shut out the pitiless sun and curl up in my unwashed bed since I’d only remember you there and I don’t want to embitter those pure and lovely hours with this slow dark ooze.
I wish I could say something nice. I wish I could embrace you and let you in. I am annoyed with myself for being so repellant but at least I have insight, tenacity and a degree of intolerance. I expect I will spank myself until the nerve ends wake-up and sting sooner or later.
I will dig a hole and plant my tree. I’m trying my damndest not to bang my head
Considering what you are facing right now, all the above seems self-indulgent and pathetically pitying. No matter how true - it is.
So sorry for being the slow slug that slips off the petals of your pretty words and into the dirt. Tomorrow I might be a nectar-sipping butterfly.
Don’t let any of this trouble you. It’s certainly none of your doing.
XXX D XXX
ReplyDeleteI'm stuck at my cousin's, and have finally found their wireless box and deciphered the numbers.
ReplyDeleteKate has her interview - the drainage job. Makes me think of discharges. She needed space. Telepathy of 20 yrs when life is shit isn't helpful. Hence me staying away tonight.
Went to see CAB today. I have an appointment on Fri. My heart groaned at the commitment, though there is always the option of cancelling and going for another time, another place.
Friends (coz and his dear) tried putting concrete around me all evening. But my self is inviolable still, and is likely to be for a long, long while. They gave up eventually.
If I was in your bed looking into your eyes right now, would things feel better?
I'm getting over the ejaculatory guilt, I will have you know. Just completely impotent at present, wank included. Very strange sensation combined with my heart and mind. Maybe it will take some time to heal. There is a sense of ripped-asunder obviously. And I can't say how much I resent my body for its 'opinion'. It makes my heart spit with rage and laugh with deep amusement too. But NOTHING works at present.
(How's that for honesty?)
I have been looking at so many options, because I don't know what is going to be workable in terms of boys. I even looked at crap flats in Sheffield. But ideally, I should get somewhere separate and discrete. Not discreet!
Kate has already started to lay down the law - apparently I'm not allowed to let the boys ever meet you again.
She still hasn't put the question. And god help me I haven't a clue if she knows or not. I was an inch from telling her today just to put her out of her misery. I will, at some point, if I think it helps her too. Maybe tomorrow.
She knows, I think. It seems everyone knows. Did you leave a mark of Cain on my face? If so, next time bite deeper and more prominently.
Posted DLA form. Took your advice generally, and ranted and raved in my own particular fashion. What is done is done.
"Rapt" - I wish you could see your face at those moments. You are a goddess of a young crunch in the fabric of the universe. Not to mince words. You haunt me minute by minute. I'm sorry if that is too close or creepy, but you became a grecian living mask at times when we were in bed - and utterly gorgeous to the nth and ninth and billionth degree. And I love you twitchy and preoccupied too. What an old fool.
I do want to be 'free', though, whatever happens. It will take me a while to fall into a proper relationship - or more truly - I know it will take me no time at all, but I should really make it that it takes me a while, for both our sakes, rebound, etc.
There is love, and of course there is - but there needs to be a growth and knowledge and building of love.
I do need a room of my own though, for maybe the rest of my life, or maybe just a while. Does that sound awful to you?
I am ranting and ranting and rambling.
I wish I was in your arms, stroking your limbs or back or bum or thighs, or kissing your clit, watching your face as we make love, or even having my arsehole fingered (and again, thanks for that). But most of all I miss your face when we just sit and talk and you frown and grimace, and babbling on.
I have to hurt yet again down here to be with you. The snares are being looped about me. Once a bastard is an aberration. Twice might convince them. Unless you ask me, I will stick about until Fri, and the weekend to get my fill of the boys. And next week, if you'll have me, I'll come up to see you.
Just love, lust, and love, David XXXXXXX
D XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
p.s. and it might well be a damn sight sooner. Let me know your mind. Dxxx
ReplyDeleteOnly just read this so won't be able to reply just now as packing my bag for work. i have a bad case of the dizzies - probably from missing 3 helpings of medication. That'll teach me. I hope i don't black-out during drop-in this morning!
ReplyDeleteI need to think carefully about all this and if I heap a great-ladle full of icy reality over your head (as if you need any more), it's not because i don't care/love/miss you. I think you should put me as far to the back of your mind as you can at the moment.
The most important things - your boys and your freedom. The latter should be quite apart from me.
This isn't cold-feet - more like cool-head.
Just press-on and get all the help/support you can.
Hope it's sunny over there and that you are able to enjoy it.
Love. XXX
p.S. Unless they explicitly ask, i don't see the need to tell anyone what happened between us. it would only sully it.
ReplyDeleteK.x